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Watch out for Guardian Lore Stories - Coming soon!
The below list is inspired by the iconic internet classic “The 213 Things that Skippy can No Longer do in the US Army” and is a list of things that guardians have either:
a) Been told not to do after suggesting them
b) Been caught doing
c) Been preemptively told not to do because “they seem the type”
Not allowed to sell coworker’s organs on eBay. Please at least sell on Shopee; we have class.
To prevent further theological debates, souls will be considered organs for the purposes of rule 1.
Additionally, they are not allowed to refer to coworkers as any of the following: spare parts, midnight snacks, daytime snacks, transfusion vendors, blood for the Blood God, skulls for the skull throne, or by any sort of monetary value.
Yes, this includes Valorant skins.
Not allowed to practice arcane magicks on company grounds. If you can’t be bothered to clean up the goat blood (we hope), then you will have to find somewhere else.
Not allowed to open portals to any extraterrestrial or extra-dimensional location in unauthorized doorways. These areas include, but are not limited to; hell, space, alternate realities, and “the funny squish dimension”. Erin is still sorting out the paperwork on that one.
Not allowed to tinker with company machinery without prior approval and at least two neutral members of staff present.
Fellow guardians are not considered neutral members of staff. Especially Caius.
Any amassment of armed and organized people over 50 is considered an army, and legal has advised us that no one is allowed to officially have an army on or around the property.
Yes, robots count.
So do demons.
Rabbits will only be counted if their size exceeds a certain threshold.
Not allowed to draft, sign, or propose contracts to anyone without prior approval from legal.
Revising the contract after said approval is also not allowed.
Third-party lawyers are not accepted as legal counsel. They won’t believe it’s real.
HR stands for “human resources”, not “human (w)rangling”, and should not be assigned bounties.
Not allowed to create weaponry without proper OSHA compliance.
Not allowed to install unknown programs, files, or updates on company computers. We’ve got enough hackers trying to snoop through our files.
Tridents are arrows.
Not allowed to give financial advice, especially if it is “always bet on red 30”.
Not allowed to use another guardian’s ID card for any reason at any time.
Not allowed to swap ID cards with another guardian.
Not allowed to use or swap ID cards with staff members of any capacity.
Not allowed to freely roam without your ID card, even if you don’t need one to get in.
Guardians should not be perusing the staff room refrigerators for any reason. You have your own, use it.
Not allowed to spike, spice, experiment with, steal, or otherwise alter staff lunches or snacks. Especially Derek’s. He’s been through enough after the last one.
Not allowed to gamble with any of the following: favors, souls, memories, body parts, other people’s body parts, sentient entities, freshly-squeezed tears, ancient Aztec gold, any cursed object, any blessed object, any anomalous object, first-born children, second-born children, red-headed stepchildren, guardianship positions, Apotheosis staffing opportunities, and Apotheosis stock options. We’re not even a public company.
Not allowed to stream or post videos including sensitive, secretive, or cognitohazardous objects, entities, or phenomena on company grounds.
Not allowed to take videos of them, either.
Verbal descriptions are also disallowed. If you think you can pantomime well enough to get the point across, you’re welcome to try.
Not allowed to attempt to disprove magic to the Magician. We don’t know what the outcome was last time, but we’re still repairing the north side mess hall.
Not allowed to attempt to disprove luck to either the Wheel or the Devil. We pay our employees well, but not THAT well.
Not allowed to drink the water from The World’s Library that doesn’t come from a drinkable fountain or bottle. Please, she is begging you.
Not allowed to feed interns to the Head of IT.
Space time must be fixed by a qualified repair person. NO Guardians are qualified to do this, no matter how much they try to convince you.
Guardians may not run an organ brokering business from the break room. This violates so many laws and we can’t afford another tax investigation.
Guardian Staff cards are not “A license to kill”.
Nor are they “A license to thrill”.
All workplace accidents are DJ’s fault. The company holds zero liability.
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